


Huggy And the Turkey

by LilyK



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: Gen, transcript
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29052300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyK/pseuds/LilyK
Summary: Huggy and his friend, "Turkey" Turquet, find themselves in trouble after taking on a client in their newly formed detective agency.
Collections: Starsky & Hutch Original Series Transcripts





	Huggy And the Turkey


    HUGGY & THE TURKEY
    
    Season 2, Episode 20
    
    Original Airdate: February 19, 1977
    
    Directed by: Claude Ennis (Jack) Starrett Jr. 
    Created by: William Blinn
    Written by: Ron Friedman
    Story Editor: Michael Fisher
    
    Summary: Huggy and his friend, "Turkey" Turquet, find themselves in trouble after taking on a client in their newly formed detective agency. 
    
    Cast: 

David Soul ... Det. Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson

Paul Michael Glaser ... Det. Dave Starsky

Antonio Fargas ... Huggy Bear

Bernie Hamilton ... Capt. Harold Dobey (credit only)

Dale Robinette ... J.D. Turquet 'Turkey'

Emily Yancy ... Foxy Baker

Richard Romanus ... Sonny Watson

Carole Cook ... 'Scorchy'

LaWanda Page ... Lady Bessie (as La Wanda Page)

R.G. Armstrong ... 'Dad' Watson

Fuddle Bagley ... Walter T. Baker

Joe La Due ... Yank

Blackie Dammett ... Sugar (as Blackie Dammet)

Mickey Morton ... Moon

Darrell Zwerling ... Man (as Darryl Zwerling)
    
    
    **Exterior – Night – Caplan’s Laundry**
    
    WATSON: Mr. And Mrs. Irving Caplan. They're $100 behind to my father. Make them sorry... and then make them pay.
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Caplan’s Laundry**
    
    MUSCLE: I guess you know what's coming, don't you, folks? You should have thought about that before you tried holding out on "Dad" Watson. Now, when we get through with you, you're gonna feel real bad.
    
    HUTCH: The same to you, moose-breath. This is a bust.
    
    MUSCLE #2: Forget it, cop, or I'll break the old lady's head.
    
    STARSKY: Watch your hands, clown. I ain't that kind of girl.
    
    (Fight ensues.)
    
    HUTCH: Starsk!
    
    STARSKY: Got him. Hutch! Hang on there, meatball. You ain't going nowhere.
    
    MUSCLE: You ain't taking me in on this-
    
    STARSKY: Hutch!
    
    HUTCH: Hold it. Okay.
    
    STARSKY: Come on, now, buddy.
    
    MUSCLE: You're not taking me in on this lousy rap!
    
    STARSKY: Come on, will you?
    
    HUTCH: Starsky, where are your cuffs?
    
    STARSKY: They're in my bra.
    
    HUTCH: Wait. I got him. 
    
    BAKER: Officer Hutchinson! Remember me, Foxy Baker?
    
    STARSKY: Hiya, Foxy.
    
    HUTCH: Hiya, Foxy. How you doing? Look, uh, we're a little busy right now.   
    
    STARSKY: Will you come on?
    
    BAKER: Please, Hutch, my husband, Walter T., he's been missing for three days, and I'm going out of my mind with worry. Please help me.
    
    HUTCH: Foxy, we really don't deal in domestic relations.
    
    BAKER: But you're supposed to help people. I came all the way downstairs because I saw you out here.
    
    STARSKY: Go see a guy by the name of Huggy and the Turk.
    
    BAKER: Huggy and the Turk?
    
    HUTCH: A couple of private investigators, you can find them anytime after noon down at a club called The Pits.
    
    BAKER: All right, thank you. Thank you very much. Goodbye.
    
    STARSKY: Will you relax?
    
    HUTCH: Will you relax?
    
    
    **Interior – Day – The Pits**
    
    TURKEY: You know, Huggy, my old grandpappy, he used to always say that you can lead a horse to water, but a jackass usually finds his own way.
    
    HUGGY: How did a redneck clod-kicker like you learn how to throw darts that good?
    
    TURKEY: My five. 
    
    HUGGY: Put it on my charge account.
    
    SCORCHY: Hold it, sports fans. You got a live one. The lady's name is Foxy Baker, and she says she was sent by Starsky and Hutch.
    
    HUGGY: Hey, I know Foxy Baker.
    
    SCORCHY: She says she's looking for her missing husband.
    
    TURKEY: Oh, good for her. You tell her to write "Dear Abby," okay?
    
    HUGGY: Hey, partner, we find Foxy Baker's old man, she's gonna spread the word, and we're gonna have more business than we can handle.
    
    TURKEY: This neighborhood is wall-to-wall missing husbands. People around here, they don't get marriage licences. They get learners' permits.
    
    SCORCHY: And now for the good news.  She has $200, cash money.
    
    TURKEY: Well, Mrs. Baker, how do you do? My name is J.D. Turquet, and as I understand it... You know my partner here, Huggy Bear Brown. Please, sit down.
    Now, when did you first notice that your husband was missing?
    
    BAKER: Since Tuesday. He works as a delivery man for a laundry service, but he went out on his route and didn't come back. I brought his picture.
    
    HUGGY: t's Walter T. Yeah. He always did look like a black Bugs Bunny. I mean, he's got character and, uh, good teeth. Is he still betting heavy on the horses?
    
    BAKER: That never bothered me. Oh, I know Walter T. Is no beauty, but I love him. He doesn't drink or fool around and... Oh, please, please, find him for me.
    I miss him so bad.
    
    TURKEY: About his gambling, um, did he have a special bookie, uh, friends at the track, coworkers, anything like that?
    
    BAKER: Well, I asked everybody I could think of, and they don't know a thing.
    
    HUGGY: Just leave everything to us, Foxy. We'll start looking for Walter T. right away. If he's out there, we'll find him.
    
    BAKER: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Bye.
    
    TURKEY: Hey. Are you loco? Why did you send her on her way before we had anything to go on? You know, we have a handful of nothing.
    
    HUGGY: We got Blind Bessie.
    
    TURKEY: Who?
    
    HUGGY: Blind Bessie. The woman who gets her racing tips direct from the spirit world and sells them to fish like Walter T.
    
    TURKEY: Well, if you know where to find her, what are we doing sitting around here? Come on.
    
    HUGGY: There's just one slight problem. Bessie's not too partial to honkies.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – Bessie’s House**
    
    HUGGY: Turk. Turk! Just like I thought. She wants you to come up too.
    
    TURKEY: Hey, man, that doesn't make any sense at all. Now, you told me yourself
    she hated honkies.
    
    HUGGY: She don't know you white. She just heard I had a partner, so she set three plates for dinner and she wants you to come up. So all you got to do is just like I said.
    
    TURKEY: Uh-uh. just skip it.
    
    HUGGY: What do you mean, "skip it"?
    
    TURKEY: I can't do it.
    
    HUGGY: Of course you can.
    
    TURKEY: I can't.
    
    HUGGY: Okay. I'll give back the $200 retainer to Foxy Baker, and you can explain
    to the phone company why the check we sent them's gonna bounce all the way home.
    
    TURKEY: Look... Now, Huggy, look, that's not fair. In the first place, soul food turns me off. In the second place, well, you know, I can't sound black any more than you can sound like, uh, Laurence Olivier.
    
    HUGGY: The prime minister was mugged by a Negro in Chicago, And the Queen went bananas. Go on. Just say something coloured. Give it a try.
    
    TURKEY: When does the new Cadillacs come in?
    
    HUGGY: Just say it blacker.
    
    TURKEY: Oh, tell me, uh, when do the new Cadillac come in?
    
    HUGGY: Blacker.
    
    TURKEY: Tell me, when do the new Cadillac come in, or I'm gonna cut you, sucker.
    
    HUGGY: I think you got it.
    
    TURKEY: Ain't gonna work.
    
    HUGGY: Of course, it's gonna work.
    
    TURKEY: I'm telling you, it ain't working. 
    
    HUGGY: Be cool, man.
    
    TURKEY: No, I don't think I can do it. Let me try. Tell me… Say it again.
    
    HUGGY: When do your new Cadillacs come in? You all right, blood?
    
    TURK: I hear you. Uh... When do the new Cadillacs come in?
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Bessie’s House**
    
    BESSIE: Come on in. Stop pussyfooting out there. Food's about ready.
    
    HUGGY: Let's not keep Lady Bessie waiting, blood. How's the pots coming, Bessie?
    
    BESSIE: Just got to put in the hot sauce, then we eat. 
    
    Huggy: Here. Here, I got it.
    
    BESSIE: Don't help me. Don't help me! Don't help me. I can find anything I want.
    Only thing I can't find out is about your partner, until he open his mouth. You heard me, chump. I want to know who and what you are. So say something.
    
    TURKEY: Uh, when do the new Cadillacs come in?
    
    BESSIE: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Huggy, I believe your friend is simple. Well, sit down. Sit! Sit! No, not there! In the dining room. Might as well feed your bellies. Mm-mm! This is gonna be good.
    
    Turkey: I am not eating that slop.
    
    HUGGY: Aw, look, it won't hurt you. Look what it did for me. 
    
    BESSIE: I hate to have a tasty meal mixed up with business talk. Mm-hm. So lay the word on me now.  What you want from old Bess?
    
    HUGGY: Well, Bess, we thought you'd-
    
    BESSIE: Don't you tell me. I want to hear it from your friend. Start talking, Leroy.
    
    TURKEY: Uh, Foxy Baker hired us to, uh, locate her husband, and we thought maybe that, uh, you might be able to give us a lead.
    
    BESSIE: Yeah, I know Foxy's old man real well. Spirits helped me to give him lots of winners at the track, but it wasn't horses he came looking for three days ago. You like soul food, don't you, boy?
    
    TURKEY: Oh, lawsy, yes, ma'am! I just loves my chitlins and hushpuppies.
    
    HUGGY: Down home, he's known as the "Pharaoh of Fatback."
    
    BESSIE: Hmm! Ain't that a kick in the head.
    
    HUGGY: Mm-hm.
    
    TURKEY: Ah!
    
    BESSIE: Don't help me. Don't help me.
    
    HUGGY: Uh, Bessie, what did Foxy's husband ask you?
    
    BESSIE: Lord, thank you for this simple fare before us, and thank you for thy numerous blessings, some of which we already have and some which we expect to receive any minute. Walter T. Baker wanted a phoney passport to Brazil, so I sent him to see Doc Rafferty. Want more, talk to the Doc.
    
    HUGGY: Passport to Brazil?
    
    TURKEY: Well, you heard the lady. Let's, uh... Let's go talk to the Doc.
    
    HUGGY: Uh, Bessie, we ain't gonna be able to stay for dinner. Thank you.
    
    BESSIE: Hey, wait a minute. You mean to tell me you're leaving before I get a chance to spill boiling coffee over your ofay turkey?
    
    TURKEY: You knew I wasn't black all along?
    
    BESSIE: I can hear a gnat spitting on cotton, and you think I don't know a good old boy from a soul brother? I heard you practising all the way to my door. "When does the new Cadillac come in?" Don't help me. Don't help me. Besides, if I didn't like you, it would have been more than your hand I hit with that hot stew.
    
    HUGGY: Bye, Bessie.
    
    BESSIE: Oh, "When does the new Cadillacs come in?" "When does the new Cadillacs come in?"
    
    
    Exterior – Day – Bessie’s House
    
    TURK: Excuse me.
    
    MILO: Hold it, brother. This is the end of the line.
    
    HUGGY: Hey, come on!
    
    TURKEY: Hey!
    
    SUGAR: Okay. This can go easy or hard. Now, who you working for?
    
    TURKEY: Oh, that's privileged information between-
    
    HUGGY: We're employed by Mrs. Foxy Baker, 321 ½ Chandler Ave. Telephone number, 321-1321. You want the zip code, I'll be glad to look it up for you, okay?
    
    SUGAR: What'd she hire you for? Hey, I like using this thing.
    
    TURKEY: Her husband's missing, she hired us to find him.
    
    SUGAR: We're looking for Walter T. Baker too, and when we find him, we don't want you or your skinny partner there getting in our way. Comprende?
    
    TURKEY: Yeah, comprende.
    
    HUGGY: Hey, you okay, man? You okay?
    
    TURKEY: Yeah. I'm okay. I'm okay. Come on, let's hit the road.
    
    HUGGY: He called me skinny. I should have busted him in his chops.
    
    TURKEY: Huggy, for those two, you need a big club or a gun.
    
    HUGGY: Oh, you gotta be kidding. I'm a lean, mean fighting machine. We're drawing hoods like flies.
    
    HUGGY: Dig it.
    
    MOON: We want to talk to you.
    
    TURKEY: You get a feeling there's something about Walter T.'s disappearance that your friend, Foxy didn't tell us?
    
    HUGGY: My friend? You're the one who got glued onto her $200. Come on, hit it.
    They're gaining on us.
    
    TURKEY: Man, I got the thing on the floor. Didn't you take this thing to the shop last week?
    
    HUGGY: Yeah, I took it to the shop, but it's still burning a pinch of oil.
    
    MOON: Okay, clowns, let's go.
    
    HUGGY: Nice going. All they got to do now is bury us.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Westhaven Cemetery**
    
    MOON: This way.
    
    TURKEY: Give the man the card.
    
    DAD: "Brown and Turkey"?
    
    TURKEY: Uh, that's Turquet, and it's me, and this is Brown.
    
    DAD: If that's how you like it. Turquet. All right. I'm sure Brown here can tell you who I am. I'm rather well-known in the neighborhood.
    
    HUGGY: That's bad Dad Watson. Him and his hoods have been top dogs around this neighbourhood since anybody can remember.
    
    DAD: And I mean to keep it that way. That's why I wanted to speak to you about that... That Walter T… Baker.
    
    TURKEY: Well, now, if that's all that's troubling you, look, there's no need to fret any more, because we already got that message from your good old boys, Sugar and Milo.
    
    DAD: Milo and Sugar don't work for me, you stupid, simple-minded cracker. They're the ones who robbed me three days ago. Them and that cockamamie black laundryman, Walter T.-
    
    WATSON: Take it easy. Take it easy. You know you're not supposed to get excited.
    See, nobody ever paid attention to Walter T. Bringing in clean tablecloths every day, but it wasn't clean tablecloths he had in his hamper three days ago.   
      
    HUGGY: You mean Walter T. Wheeled in good old Milo and Sugar?
    
    WATSON: Right under our very noses, and with some very heavy hardware. And when they left, they left with $300,000. Well, we're gonna get every cent of it back and make examples of the thieves and anyone who is helping them. Very messy examples.
    
    TURKEY: Well, that is the kind of gumption and determination that made America great. You know, my old grandpappy, he used to always-
    
    DAD: Brown, you're black.
    
    HUGGY: Mm-hm.
    
    DAD: And that means you might have better luck finding out where that... that Walter T. is holed up in the neighborhood.
    
    HUGGY: Well- Well, we'd like to be obliging, Dad, but, uh… Milo and Sugar said if we stayed on the case that it was gonna be...
    
    WATSON: You see, Dad wasn't asking. Dad never asks. We don't particularly care what Milo and Sugar told you. You're to look for Walter T., and you're to find him. And when you find him, you call us and not his wife. Right, Pop? 
    
    DAD: Cross me and you'll wish you'd never been born. And that, you'd better understand. 
    
    HUGGY: Your old grandpappy have a saying about that?
    
    
    **Interior – Day – The Pits**
    
    TURKEY: Man, my old maiden aunt would have something to say about this.
    
    HUGGY: What would she say?
    
    TURKEY: When people start talking about busting heads, baby, adios.
    
    HUGGY: Hey, Turk, do you think we should head for the mountains or the beach?
    
    TURKEY: What do you care? Wherever we go, your wardrobe is wrong.
    
    HUGGY: Huh.
    
    LEOTIS: Hi, Cousin Huggy. Hey, Mr. Turk, I got what you wanted. Here it is right here.
    
    HUGGY: Here what is?
    
    LEOTIS: The heater Mr. Turk told me to get. He said get the biggest one I could find, so here it is.
    
    TURKEY: I meant a heater, as in "gun." Whew. We are gonna do real great in a shootout. Bad guys, they pull their.44 Magnum, we let them have it with our water heater. I don't know why I let you talk me out of not carrying a gun in the first place.
    
    HUGGY: Because when you carry a gun, only one thing can happen, and it's all bad.
    
    LEOTIS: Okay, uh. So, I'm I'm sorry I let you down.
    
    TURKEY: Hey. Hey, Leotis? Hey, man. Come on.  Wait a minute. Put that thing down. Now, come on here. Come on back in here. Come on. You see, that isn't really what I meant, you see? Uh, you see, your mind is just, uh… It's grooving on a different plane, that's all. Now, you see, the point that I'm trying to make is that everybody has got something that they're good at. Now, look at you and numbers.
    
    LEOTIS: Yeah, but that's nothing.
    
    TURKEY: Hey, come on, tell Huggy how much is 721 times, uh… 9,261.
    
    LEOTIS: 6,677, 181.
    
    TURKEY: Whoo!
    
    HUGGY: 266 times 13,424.
    
    LEOTIS: 3,570,784. Huggy, what's that got to do with detecting?
    
    TURKEY: Nothing, but you see, that's just the point. You see, you are a genius when it comes to numbers, but I wish you'd do me a favor the next time you take your classes. 
    
    LEOTIS: See if they have one in criminology?
    
    TURKEY: Uh mm. You see if they got one in basic logic.
    
    BAKER: I know. You have a right to be upset with me.
    
    TURKEY: We also have a right to say goodbye. Bye.
    
    BAKER: I know I should have told you about Walter T.'s involvement in a robbery, but I was afraid if I did, you wouldn't want to take the case.
    
    HUGGY: That's the first true thing I've heard out your lips, woman. But, please, stay out of our way.
    
    BAKER: Oh, please, give me one more minute. I wanted you to find my husband before his enemies did so that I could beg him to take back the money and save himself, but that's not necessary any more. I know where Walter T. Is hiding. He phoned me. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life running. He wants to negotiate.
    
    TURKEY: So did Jimmy Hoffa.
    
    BAKER: Wait. All you have to do is get the $300,000 from Walter T. and take it to Dad Watson in exchange for my husband's life. You won't be in any danger.
    
    TURKEY: That's right, because we're gonna be out of town.
    
    BAKER: All I have is $250 more.
    
    HUGGY: Keep it.
    
    BAKER: The word on the street is that Sonny Watson's ready to pay a 10 percent finder's fee for the return of his father's bank.
    
    HUGGY: Ten percent. That's $30,000. I don't need Leotis to tell me that, huh?
    
    LEOTIS: That's right.
    
    HUGGY: I mean, that's the kind of big money we got into this business for.
    
    TURKEY: I got a feeling I'm gonna regret this, but, uh, we'll do it.
    
    BAKER: Oh. Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Walter T. Is waiting for you out at the old Bayshore Amusement Park. He's hiding in the fun house.
    
    LEOTIS: Hey, Cousin Huggy, there are two mean-looking dudes out here, and they're spying on the building.
    
    BAKER: Oh, no.
    
    TURKEY: I don't want to get you guys riled up, but I'd say we're in a heap of trouble here. Now, how are we gonna drive out of here with those two punks watching the car?
    
    HUGGY: With $30,000 on the line, we'll find a way. How about a diversion? Look, Leotis, listen carefully. I want you go down to the bus stop on the corner. Foxy, I want you to stay here until we're gone, okay?
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – The Pits**
    
    BAKER: You, uh, sure Leotis knows what he's doing?
    
    HUGGY: I told Leotis when we move, he's gotta attract their attention.
    
    BAKER: Yeah.
    
    HUGGY: That's the signal. Leotis is ready.
    
    TURKEY: Yeah, he's ready for what?
    
    HUGGY: Just pull out real slow, make a right turn, then hit it.
    
    TURKEY: Look, those punks are gonna be right on our tail.
    
    HUGGY: Well, you gotta have faith, Turk, baby.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – City Streets**
    
    SUGAR: We got them now, baby. Come on.
    
    MILO: Okay, brother, go get them.
    
    HUGGY: Whoo! Crude but effective. 
    
    TURKEY: Yahoo! 
    
    HUGGY: They're up to their hubcaps in dresses. 
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Bayshore Amusement Park**
    
    HUGGY: Walter T.? I wish Leotis had gotten a gun.
    
    TURKEY: Well, knowing him, he probably would've forgotten the bullets.
    
    HUGGY: Walter T.! Walter- Dummy. Walter T.!
    
    TURKEY: Hey, Walter T.! Hey.
    
    HUGGY: Hey! 
    
    TURKEY: Hey, Walter T. Foxy sent us!
    
    (Gunfire.)
    
    HUGGY: Walter T., it's Huggy Bear and Turk Turquet!
    
    WATSON: I got you, Walter T.
    
    BAKER: It's me, Foxy.
    
    WATSON: How'd we do? Did we fool them?
    
    BAKER: All the way. They'll probably die convincing Milo and Sugar. Now, all we have to do is make sure that your dad still thinks Walter T. Still has the money...
    
    WATSON: Uh-huh.
    
    BAKER: And is on the loose, and we're home free.
    
    WATSON: I hope so.
    
    TURKEY: Walter T. ran on us. I don't know where we are.
    
    HUGGY: I don't either. Hey, but I recognise him. This must be the way out.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – Bayshore Amusement Park**
    
    TURKEY Okay. You know, for a man dying to see us, Walter T. certainly took off like a scared jackrabbit. I wonder why.
    
    HUGGY: I don't know, but I'm getting out of here. Hey, maybe he don't like interracial couples.
    
    SUGAR: Hey, thanks for coming outside, boys. Milo here's afraid of the dark.
    
    HUGGY: I thought we left you up to your hubcaps in dresses.
    
    SUGAR: Oh, we phoned your office and said we was the FBI. See, the kid we talked to there, he could hardly wait to tell us where to find you.
    
    MILO: Come on, move it!
    
    
    
    TURKEY: I don't know about you, but I got a feeling these guys aren't here
    on a mission of mercy.
    
    HUGGY: Yeah, that Sugar is definitely unrefined.
    
    TURKEY: You had your fill?
    
    HUGGY: Up to my eyeballs.
    
    SUGAR: All right, hold it right there. End of the line, hotshots.
    
    (Fake fight ensues.)
    
    TURKEY: Watermelon man, you got me into this. Now I'm gonna die because you couldn't pass up a lousy 200 bucks!
    
    HUGGY: Back off, turkey man! How'd you like a little black lightning across your lips, huh?
    
    TURKEY: Listen, I am sick of you, boy!
    
    SUGAR: Uh-uh. Let them go. Let's see the skinny one get hurt a little here.
    
    HUGGY: Come on. 
    
    TURKEY: Come on, you Chicken Little. Come on. 
    
    HUGGY: Come on. Come on.
    
    (Real fight ensues.)
    
    TURKEY: Okay, now it's our turn, and we want some answers, friend. Okay, I'm gonna make it real simple. Now, how did Walter T. get away with your share of Dad Watson's payroll?
    
    SUGAR: Stuff it.
    
    TURKEY: You get the feeling these guys aren't gonna cooperate?
    
    HUGGY: Mm-hm.
    
    TURKEY: Now, either one of you wanna say anything? Nothing? Okay, kill them and let's get out of here.
    
    HUGGY: Now, wait, wait. Dad'll probably pay a pretty penny for them.
    
    TURKEY: No, Dad said dead or alive. Now, we kill them, we collect twice. The money Dad's promised, plus the reputation we get on the street. Go ahead, shoot them.
    
    MILO: Wait a minute. You made your point. After the heist, we went back to Walter's hamper, and he pushed us out to his truck, past Dad Watson's guards. 
    Like nothing happened, he drove away.
    
    HUGGY: Hey, don't tell me a couple of old hands like you let him lock you in a hamper with dirty wash.
    
    MILO: He was low man in the operation, a real nothing.
    
    TURKEY: Then who was the brains behind it, then?
    
    MILO: Who else? His old lady, Foxy.
    
    TURKEY: Foxy Baker?
    
    MILO: You better believe it, brother.
    
    HUGGY: Are you beginning to get the feeling that woman's been lying to us again?
    
    TURKEY: I don't know, but I'll tell you one thing. It's about time we started getting some straight answers.
    
    HUGGY: I think we better call Starsky and Hutch and tell them where they can pick up a couple of hunks of garbage, gift-wrapped.
    
    TURKEY: That's a good idea.
    
    HUGGY: I think these are probably hot anyway. Let's get rid of them.
    
    TURKEY: Oh, boy. I got real fond of her.
    
    SUGAR: Hey! Hey! Hey, I got that kind of phobia about these high things! Hey! Help!
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Hair Salon**
    
    HUTCH: We're getting there, sweetheart. We're getting there. A few more minutes and you'll look just like she does.
    
    CUSTOMER: Do you really think so?
    
    HUTCH: How can you miss?
    
    STARSKY: (on phone) Yeah. Uh… One minute. (end) Tyrone, phone.
    
    HUTCH: Excuse me, darling. I have to confer with my associate here, Mr. Marlene. 
    Must be a customer calling about some kind of a follicle problem or something.
    
    STARSKY: Tyrone? Phone.
    
    HUTCH: Just hold the thought, huh? You look ravishing. What is it?
    
    STARSKY: Answer the phone.
    
    HUTCH: Who is it?
    
    STARSKY: Huggy and Turk. They collared a couple of punks. They collared a couple of punks, and they want us to bring them in.
    
    HUTCH: I don't want to talk to them. Why should I talk to them?
    
    STARSKY: Because I got a couple of gorgeous chicks coming in for a comb job, and I have this fantastic stewardess, whose house I'm going over to to give her a wave and set.
    
    HUTCH: What do you want me to do about it?
    
    STARSKY: Answer the phone. 
    
    HUTCH: Well-
    
    STARSKY: Please? Go ahead.
    
    HUTCH: (on phone) Yeah, Turk? Huggy?
    
    TURKEY: No, it's Turk. Listen, uh, can you guys get over here right away?
    
    HUTCH: Uh, look, we'd love to help you fellas out, but we're really kind of busy right now. Listen, uh, has it got anything to do with Dad Watson and his protection racket?
    
    TURKEY: Yeah, it has to do with the protection racket. Wait a second. How'd they know that?
    
    STARSKY: Huh?
    
    HUTCH: About the protection racket.
    
    STARSKY: Shh!
    
    HUTCH: Look, will you just call in a patrol car or something? We're really kind of busy right now, and stay off this line.
    
    TURKEY: Yeah, well, you see, this involves Dad Watson too. Yeah. Hutch? (end)
    
    STARSKY: You know, your eyes flash when you get angry.
    
    HUTCH: I hope you get peroxide all over your turquoise.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – Turkey’s Car**
    
    TURKEY: Boy. About your friends Starsky and Hutch, a lot of help those two were.
    
    HUGGY: Never mind them. What we gotta do now is pick up Walter T.'s trail.
    
    TURKEY: Brilliant. The question is, where?
    
    HUGGY: Not where, Turkey, my man. How?
    
    TURKEY: What do you mean, "how"?
    
    HUGGY: How's that wisdom tooth that's been giving you that trouble?
    
    TURKEY: Oh. Yeah. Doc Rafferty.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Rafferty’s Office**
    
    O’TOOLE: Dr. Rafferty will see you now, Mr. Turquet. By the way, is your name French?
    
    TURKEY: I certainly hope so.
    
    O’TOOLE: Walk this way, please.
    
    TURKEY: I think that I'm in love.
    
    HUGGY: Careful. That body ought to be registered as a dangerous weapon.
    
    RAFFERTY: Good afternoon, gentlemen. That'll be all, Nurse O'Toole.
    
    O’TOOLE: Yes, Doctor. Au revoir, Froggy.
    
    RAFFERTY: Now, then, who wants to be first? Just open up wide and don't worry about a thing. Believe me, I won't put the bite on you. Get it, "bite"?
    
    
    HUGGY: Actually, we came to talk to you about Walter T. Baker.
    
    RAFFERTY: Baker? Baker... I don't believe I know the name.
    
    TURKEY: Sir, we want to know about the forged passport he ordered from you.
    
    RAFFERTY: Passport? Gentlemen, you've come to the wrong place.
     
    HUGGY: How would you like me to play "Nola" on your molar, Doc?
    
    RAFFERTY: Are you guys the heat?
    
    TURKEY: Private. But we can, uh, make it public, if that's the way you want it. 
    Now, what about the passport for Walter T.?
    
    RAFFERTY: What passport? What are you guys talking about?
    
    HUGGY: He said, "What about the passport?"
    
    TURKEY: Did you fix one for his wife too? Huh?
    
    RAFFERTY: Are you kidding me? Walter T. was scared to death of his wife. He told me he wanted one passport to Brazil, and he didn't want nobody to know about it,
    especially his old lady. Then something must have happened, because he never picked it up. I swear to you, I mean it. It's over there in the top cabinet.
    
    TURKEY: Check it out, Huggy.
    
    RAFFERTY: You see?
    
    HUGGY: He's got every country here. 
    
    TURKEY: Busy, aren't you?
    
    HUGGY: Brazil. You ought to stick to teeth, Doc.
    
    RAFFERTY: Nurse?
    
    
    **Interior – Night – Huggy and Turkey’s Office**
    
    TURKEY: It's weird. Man who hates his wife gets away with… 300,000. Three days after the robbery, he's still in town, and his wife is supposed to be helping him to give the money back to save his life.
    
    HUGGY: No, it don't figure. A man who needs to run as bad as Walter T., the only way to stop him is tie him up or bury him.
    
    TURKEY: Well, now, we know he's alive. We saw him at the amusement park. Or did we?
    
    HUGGY: What are you talking about? Hey, we don't need any steam. Send them back for Christmas.
    
    TURKEY: Did you really get a good look at Walter T. Today?
    
    HUGGY: No, but, uh... 
    
    TURKEY: Now, wait a minute. Maybe it's beginning to make sense. Now, what happens if Walter T. is caught? Not the money, just him.
    
    HUGGY: What do you mean, without the money?
    
    TURKEY: Now, just for instance… Dad would, uh, probably interrogate him to death.
    
    HUGGY: Will you knock it off?
    
    TURKEY: That's not the steam.
    
    HUGGY: Well, where's Walter T. Now?
    
    TURKEY: Oh, he's probably out on some highway, fleeing for his life.
    
    HUGGY: Bugs Bunny.
    
    WALTER: I'm Walter T. Baker, and we gonna die! Die! Die!
    
    TURKEY: (on phone) Yes. Yes, I know this is a beauty parlor. Well, you have to listen to me, ma'am. Uh, sorry, sir. Uh, you see, it's urgent that we speak to two of your operators. Mr. Marlene and Tyrone. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Starsky and Hutch. Well, look, when they come in, would you tell them that Huggy and Turquet need them  and it's urgent? Look, you better make that critical. Okay. (end)
    
    HUGGY: Now, Walter T., we been here all night long and getting nowhere, and you been hitting that stuff and going into a steady coma. Now, just give us some answers.
    
    WALTER: We gonna die. We gonna die! Die! Die!
    
    HUGGY: Stop grave-digging and start talking.
    
    WALTER: My wife... My wife made me rob Dad Watson. Now, I know that's a shameful thing to admit, but I was more scared of her than him.
    
    TURKEY: Look, we're with you so far. Go on.
    
    WALTER: Well, then, Foxy worked out how I could cheat Milo and Sugar out of their share. I was supposed to meet her with the dough, but I had other plans.
    
    TURKEY: You mean the passport to Brazil?
    
    WALTER: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Only Foxy was waiting for me before I could make my move. She whomped me upside the head. Next thing I know, I'm hogtied, and Foxy is putting on my clothes. Hey, blood, how about little drinky, huh?
    
    HUGGY: So, it must have been Foxy we saw at the fun house, and she wanted us to think that Walter T. Was still in town and running scared. Why'd she bring you here?
    
    WALTER: So we all could die, die, die, die! I keep telling you that. It wasn't just Foxy. Sonny Watson is in it with her.
    
    TURKEY: Well, that low-down, no-account skunk. What a way to treat his own daddy.
    
    WALTER: They were gonna watch this place, and when you came back, call Sonny. And he's gonna bust in and shoot us all at once, and then tell Dad we was all in the robbery together and were trying to make our getaway when he caught us.
    
    TURKEY: Huggy.
    
    HUGGY: What?
    
    TURKEY: Look.
    
    HUGGY: What is it?
    
    TURKEY: Sonny Watson and Dad's hoods. Hey, what are we gonna do?
    
    WALTER: We- we- we gonna die, that's what we gonna do.
    
    TURKEY: Look, give me that bottle, you beaver-toothed rummy. Now, we got to make tracks out of here.
    
    WALTER: I... I can't walk. My legs is stiff.
    
    HUGGY: Come on.
    
    TURKEY: Look, I'll get him. You get that side. Come on. Up you go. Come on.
    
    WALTER: Where we going?
    
    HUGGY: Out. Come on. You can walk it off. Leotis.
    
    LEOTIS: Hey, Cousin Huggy. Where's everybody going? I saw that you were up, and I thought maybe you'd like to have a pizza for breakfast.
    
    HUGGY: No, we ain't got time for pizza. Did you see anybody downstairs with guns?
    
    LEOTIS: With guns? No. I took a shortcut, like always.
    
    TURKEY: What shortcut?
    
    LEOTIS: Over the roof next door.
    
    TURKEY:  Everybody, hold what you got. This might be just what we needed.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Corridor**
    
    TURKEY: They're coming up the stairway. Can you give us another diversion?
    
    LEOTIS: Yeah. What you want me to do?
    
    TURKEY: Get the heater.
    
    LEOTIS: Get the heater?
    
    TURKEY: Get the heater!
    
    MUSCLE: They've got a heater.
    
    TURKEY: Okay.
    
    LEOTIS: Drop it?
    
    TURKEY: Drop it.
    
    WALTER: I keep on saying, we gonna die, man!
    
    TURKEY: Shh, shh. Come on.
    
    MUSCLE: Are you all right?
    
    WATSON: They had a heater. Go get them. Go get them. Go on!
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – Office Building Roof**
    
    WALTER: I can't stand it, man! We all gonna die! What y'all gonna do, man? Wait. Where are we going, man?
    
    TURKEY: That ain't gonna hold them long. Leotis, where's your shortcut?
    
    LEOTIS: Oh, there it is, right there.
    
    WALTER: Wait. Where are we going, man? I keep telling you, man. We gonna die, man! I keep telling you!
    
    HUGGY: What's wrong with you, Leotis? You think we're a bunch of hummingbirds or something?
    
    LOETIS: Cousin Huggy, look, it's safe. All the kids around here use this all the time. Come on.
    
    TURKEY: It's... It's not so bad. Come on, Huggy.
    
    HUGGY: You going up there.
    
    WALTER: I ain't going up there.
    
    HUGGY: Come on.
    
    WALTER: Wait a minute! Please! Whoa! Whoa! I can't do this. I can't do this, man. I get dizzy when I put on platform shoes.
    
    (Gunfire.)
    
    HUGGY: Some shortcut, Leotis.
    
    LEOTIS: Come on, you guys. It's only one more.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – City Street**
    
    HUTCH: What the hell are they doing up there?
    
    STARSKY: I don't know. They said it was critical. I think it just got a lot  worse. I'll go the front.
    
    HUTCH: Right.
    
    
    **Exterior – Day – Office Building Roof**
    
    WATSON: Surprise.
    
    WALTER: I told you we gonna die.
    
    WATSON: Well, life stinks, doesn't it?
    
    (Gunfight ensues.) 
    
    MUSCLE: Come on out and get it over with!
    
    WATSON: What are you doing? Get them! They don't have guns!
    
    LEOTIS: Yes, we have too, Mr. Turk.
    
    TURKEY: Oh, Leotis.
    
    LEOTIS: See?
    
    TURKEY: Pass it down, Leotis.
    
    LEOTIS: I knew I made a mistake about that heater, so I went out and got that.
    
    TURKEY: You call them off, boy, or you bought it!
    
    HUGGY: He can shoot the warts off a kosher pickle at 50 yards.
    
    TURKEY: You don't believe him? Watch.
    
    WATSON: Hold it, hold it.
    
    HUGGY: That boy is smart as a whip.
    
    TURKEY: Now, where I come from, what we have here is called a Mexican... stand-off.
    
    HUGGY: So much for the Alamo.
    
    WATSON: Get them. The gun is empty. Go get them.
    
    STARSKY: Tennis, anyone?
    
    HUTCH: Anybody else? Hold it. Drop it. Okay, come on, move!
    
    STARSKY: Okay, okay. Up, up, up. Give me your hands.
    
    HUGGY: Hey, thanks for dropping in, men, but me and my partner almost had this case wrapped up, unassisted.
    
    STARSKY: Lovely to hear that, Hug.
    
    WATSON: Daddy's gonna kill me.
    
    
    **Interior – Day – Police Precinct**
    
    STARSKY: (on phone) Yeah.
    
    HUTCH: Here, just sign right there, and we'll take your formal statement later, okay?
    
    STARSKY: Okay, thank you. (end) We got lucky.
    
    HUTCH: What?
    
    STARSKY: They got Foxy at the airport, and all the money. You know, I gotta hand it to you guys. You did a pretty good job.
    
    HUGGY: Well, what do you expect with you two as our ideals?
    
    HUTCH: What are you guys gonna do now? You got enough to keep you busy?
    
    TURKEY: Busy? You got to be shucking me. This is just small potatoes here.
    
    HUGGY: Most of the time, we'll be up to our ears in industrial espionage and diamond heists.
    
    ROBBERY VICTIM: Excuse me, I'd like to see Detective Smithers.
    
    STARSKY: Smithers?
    
    ROBBERY VICTIM: Yes, it's about my 1854 Golden Eagle.
    
    HUTCH: Did it get out?
    
    ROBBERY VICTIM: It's a $20 gold piece worth $3,000. I think someone must have taken it from the party we were giving the other day.
    
    STARSKY: Oh, uh, Detective S… Uh, Withers. Well, that is in Robbery Division. Now, what you want to do is you want to go through those doors, and there's this red line along the corridor, and you want to get to three doors, and you want to take the third door on your left.
    
    ROBBERY VIDTIM: Thank you very much.
    
    TURKEY: Look, I think we better be moseying out of here.
    
    STARSKY: Where you going? I thought we were gonna have a congratulatory cup of coffee.
    
    TURKEY: Later. We'll see you.
    
    HUGGY: Well, what's the hurry?
    
    TURKEY: Can't you smell it? Next month's rent. Sir, uh, excuse me, but we couldn't help but overhear your tragic story about the loss of your Double Eagle.
    
    HUGGY: Look, what you have to understand, sir, that to the police, your coin is just another case, but to us, it's a sacred trust. Our card.
    
    ROBBERY VICTIM: Uh, which one of you is Turkey?
    
    END


End file.
